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An Oldie But A Goodie !!!!
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK **** is
inevitable. For those who hate ****ting at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before ****ting. Walk in and
check for other ****ters. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a **** in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a s udden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a ****, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the **** hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the **** has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET ****ER: A colleague who ****s at work and is damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet ****ter enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet ****ter before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex ****ter entering your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a **** at work. If this
occurs, remain i n the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
****ter can **** in peace.
WATERMELON: A **** that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cou gh
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to **** when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
inevitable. For those who hate ****ting at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before ****ting. Walk in and
check for other ****ters. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a **** in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a s udden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a ****, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the **** hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the **** has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET ****ER: A colleague who ****s at work and is damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet ****ter enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet ****ter before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex ****ter entering your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a **** at work. If this
occurs, remain i n the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
****ter can **** in peace.
WATERMELON: A **** that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cou gh
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to **** when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
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